march arrives

The sun returns and it's like white-out. So bright and unfamiliar. The wind's still there, reminding us not to get too cozy. Not to think, for an instant, that we're out of the woods yet. 

Sometimes I don't put my headphones in. I just walk and my soundtrack is the sound of winter on the coast. The howl and its echo, the static crackle of the ubiquitous sea, the scraping of windswept detritus along the road; these things fill my ears. 

People talk about the darkness, the cold, the wet, but they rarely speak the sound of winter. It is a symphony, wild and eclectic. The songs are elemental and percussive. Rain battering stone, waves crashing, wind hammering and howling. 

Soon the birds will sing again. That's when Spring arrives, with its own tune.

inadvertent hiatus

My goodness. 

Almost a month. 

Moreso, if you count proper posts rather than snippets. 

Much has changed, much remains the same. 

I've moved. I'm in a belfry again, with a south-facing window that catches the morning light. It's cozy, and I'm comfortable. 

I've scraped the rust off my knee and started running again. It's frustrating, running with baby steps. 

My fingers slam the keyboard and new words appear on the screen. CPR on the draft seems to be working, and signs of life emerge. Brick walls and blocks start to crumble. A complete story forms. 

The wind howls at night, tearing from the shore, driving torrents and ribbons of sand from the dunes to the sea. It looks alive, shifting like quicksilver, endless, more liquid than the water it races towards. Running through it you believe in banshees. That underneath the rumbling howl something preternatural shrieks with the wind. That they ride the ribbons of sand into the waiting sea, that they blind you with the fine grain and deafen you to make you theirs. The lights of the town never get closer until you make it back. Then you look behind and see the maelstrom. You can't believe you were there.

thursday morning

My breakfast sits heavy and I'm not doing the work I should be. The damp cold chills to the bone the odd moments I'm forced to stray outside. The sun shines and the rain falls all at once. It's too cold to look for the rainbow. I'm writing letters in my head when I should be writing them on my laptop. 

I'm thinking of opening a bottle of Bollinger. 

evening wander (a Collioure walk)

There's no one around. Just two old friends walking the slow walk that follows a meal. Our chat is quiet, there's no need to be loud. The soft sound of our steps on old stone doesn't travel far in the night's silence. It absorbs it, with our whispered comments. It isn't cold but I feel every bit of the air I breathe in and it's fresh. I can taste it.

The tall plane trees line the banks of the dry river. They stand bare in the January night, their pale bark silver in the cold light. I sense they guard something, stand sentinel against something unseen. It's my imagination, but I let it take me. It doesn't take too much thought. We keep chatting. 

Nothing is open. The bars and cafés and restaurants behind the trees sit in darkness, hibernating for the winter. The streetlights are that peculiar continental yellow. They make everything look old. Much of it is old. The ancient stone of the Moorish palace in the centre of the harbour loves the yellow light, sucking it in, shining a vivid sepia against the midnight blue of the sky and the pinprick twinkling stars that seem set deeper in the night than usual. 

The dry river stays quiet, its empty mouth arriving at the harbour, the sea's muffled ripples falling against it. 

We talk about life, about the lack of people, about weddings and guests, about wine and food, about writing and vines, about our lives. We head towards the church, it's peculiar clock tower off-set from the central nave. I wonder if it's a nave for such a church. It's not cruciform. I wish for a moment that I knew more. Behind the church, at the base of the pier, is a small chapel, barely a shed. Next to the chapel is a large crucifix set in the stone, facing out to see. I wonder, again, whether it is to bless fishermen, or sailors in general. The plough shines bright behind the silhouette of the cross. It's the first time I think of it as the plough and not the big dipper. I shrug at this and wish I had my camera. I look for a saint's name on the chapel and find none. We talk for awhile about the ubiquity of such small chapels in these parts and others. 

Nostalgia leads us down the pier, towards the flashing green lantern at the end. The Med lies to our left, its surf barely muttering. We speak at the same volume as the sea. To our right the town shines glorious in its yellow light, its great buildings highlighted - the castle standing watch on the high cliff above, the palace in its regal austerity, the peculiar clock tower and the silver plane trees, perfectly spaced and regimented. I stare and am moved by it all. 

Walking back towards town we cross the beach. The water sucks on the pebbles in a perpetual tumult, sounding for all the world like a fresh bowl of rice krispies. I smile at the association and make a note to make a note. 

The bar looks as though it's been carved out of a mediaeval wall. Bare stone adorned by tribal art and abstract brass coils, dimly lit and humming with anonymous jazz and blues. The barman's hyper, speaking in rapid French and laughing at my friend's tales. He asks us about English cheese. CDs line a corner behind the bar and he flips through the odd box here and there. He loves his music in such a way that you want to hear all of it because you feel you'll love it too. The back room could be someone's sitting room, though an odd one. A cozy couch in one corner and a drum kit in the other. Thick rugs and draped tapestries and all the trappings of comfort.  

The doors to the bar stand tall, primeval and daunting, and as we leave I resent my weariness, for I could stay. I could lose nights in this bar.

We walk back to the car with little talk. The night seems thicker and the light colder. 




small note

The changing times... I'm on a train from London to Edinburgh - it stops at Newcastle on the way. Through the free wi-fi connection I noticed the breaking news on the 'net that Geordie legend Kevin Keegan has once again been given the job as manager of Newcastle United. Within minutes, a chorus of text beeps and odd ring tones rang throughout the carriage, followed by a chorus of Geordie accents asking the people on the other line if they'd heard the news. A few muttered lines of punter opinion followed and there are whispers throughout the train, among fellow Geordies, strangers talking about the announcement. 

Everyone knew within minutes. 

We're on a train. 


arriving at Perpignan

The airport reminds me of Key West. Small, a bit dirty - the sort of dirty you get when it's warm enough to leave the doors open year-round. The terminal building is a 50's retro throwback, only a storey high. A few tired palm trees, bored of winter, line the outside. You walk straight in from the plane, no gates or such. Passport check, arrivals lounge and baggage claim are all one room. 

I barely mumble bonjour and merci when the man casts a glance at my passport. Too shy to enunciate. 

It's not warm, but it's not cold either. My scarf feels pointless. I could be in a t-shirt, but only for a minute or two. The air smells good, and feels good. There's warmth in it, and a touch of the sea. You can almost taste it. The sky's low, the clouds dark, but it's still mild. 

I feel elsewhere. 

Somewhere different, somewhere new. 

heads up *update*

Any writers out there working their arses off should read Veronica's latest post about an active plagiarist working the blogosphere. 

*Update*
The same thief also ripped off Alcoholic Poet - the response is here

If anyone sees any of my stuff kicking about elsewhere, well, you know they were desperate. 

About two days before any of this came up I had a nightmare that I'd opened a book by someone else and started reading the first few chapters of my book. I woke up angry - it took me awhile to settle down. And that was just a dream. I can't imagine what it must be like for real.

registered complaints and half resolutions

I complained to a friend about the shite weather and he replied,

"It is January in Scotland."

Which, to be fair, is exactly what I would have said to someone complaining about the shite weather in January, in Scotland.  

-------------------------------------

I'd been working on a post for over a week when an incredibly rare kernel panic (crash) took the vast bulk of it away. It irked me. I look at the paragraph that remains and it taunts me, daring me to finish it, to attempt to rewrite it. To try, and always to wonder whether the first and lost remains the best. It isn't that important - just a post. But coming off a year of minimal literary productivity, even that is cold comfort. 

2007. I wouldn't call it a great year. I fulfilled neither of my resolutions and accomplished far too little writing. Someone dear to me passed. In the last quarter my health slipped and I gained a bit of weight. Finishing the first draft of my book on New Year's Eve last year left me complacent. I had no idea, really, what I was doing and too many of the paths I followed in the meantime were dead-ends. I've learned a lot of what not to do. 

I take more than hindsight from it though. A new and wonderful friendship, a deeper understanding of what I need to do and how I need to do it - it's not all bad - just not great. 

---------------------------------------

The wind had been from the east, and the breakers enormous, starting a half-mile out to sea and charging through towards the shore. Even when the wind changed, in from the west, they came still, relentless. The westerly blew their spray back and they looked like locomotives charging in on invisible tracks, their heads of steam trailing into mist behind them.

---------------------------------------

I'm off to France on Thursday. It's been awhile. To say I'm excited would be an understatement.


sight

My left eye is my stronger eye, according to my optometrist and the prescription he gives me. It's been thus for quite a few years now, possibly since I first needed glasses. It's not stronger by much, a mere .25. .25 of what, I don't know, but I don't think that matters very much.

It was Hammersmith station, and I tried reading the Piccadilly and District Line Eastbound maps to work out how many stops we had before we got to Knightsbridge. I assume we were going to Knightsbridge - I was with my mother and she took me to Harrods quite a bit. I needed to squint to work out the station names. I was only 10 or 15 feet away from the maps. My mother sighed and told me we'd need to book an eye appointment. 

That was 18 years ago. My eyesight's about 3-4 times worse than it was for that first prescription. I don't mind being short-sighted, at least not literally. I like my glasses and I don't have any issue with contacts. Every couple of years or so I need to get a new 'script, usually just a fraction stronger. I keep an emergency pair of glasses in the glove box of my car. 

My old optician used to, in between aggrandising tales of his hugely successful sons, recommend laser correction. In the interest of full disclosure he confessed he'd make quite a bit of money if I took him up on it. Sometimes he struck me as more of a salesman than an optician - most of the time, actually. I declined. As I said, I like glasses, have no issues with contacts. 

And the thought of shooting a laser into my eye kind of freaked me out. It still does.

Last week my optician found something, or thought she did. Some sort of discolouring of my optic nerve, or lack of colour - it was too pale. She recommended a second opinion and I took her recommendation. Her colleague dilated my pupils to the size of planets - disconcerting though compelling mirror viewing - and looked at my eyes for a very long time. 

Retinal oedema on my left eye - the strong one. There's a risk of retinal detachment and the possibility that they're going to have to shoot a laser into my eye whether it freaks me out or not. 

comfort

London decided to revert to some nostalgic, fairy-tale version of itself, draped in a pea-souper. If you can't have a white Christmas, a cold and foggy one is a decent substitute. And god was it cold. The damp allows the chill to bypass the flesh and hit the bone directly. You're cold from the skeleton out. Layers don't help. It can only be cured by comfort. Getting home after braving the mad streets, the shops with their dry, harsh attempts at warmth that leave you dehydrated and longing for the freshness of the chill outside. Getting home and knowing you don't have to go out again. It's that relief that warms the heart, that thaws the skeleton so that once again you're warm. You get ready for that to be your Christmas, and you look forward to it.

Then the temperature rises, the cloud rolls in and the real London asserts itself over the fairy-tale. The rain starts to fall and everything in the world is wet. Outside is no longer whimsical or an adventure, just something to avoid. Inside though, is full of lights and laughter, the clink of glass and the tearing of paper.

cold cometh

gimme. 

gimme paracetamol 

500mg 

the good stuff.

with the codeine depth charge.

do opiates help colds?

do i care? 

can't hurt.

actifed. sudafed. anything with a -fed.

tablets or spoonfuls?

both.

echinacea. 

what the hell is that?

homeopathic. proven to yadda yadda yadda... 

fuck that tastes awful. ah well.

oh. spicy curry. extra spicy. it's supposed to help clear sinuses.

really.

yes, really. doctors recommend it and everything.

mmmm... spicy curry, painkillers, opiates, homeopathics, the 'feds and beer. 

well of course there's beer, you can't have spicy curry without beer.

i'm feeling better already. 

a wee whisky before bed and this cold's history...

not quite a summation

I've been remiss. A very long time without words, or even a word.

To distil the goings on of the last few weeks into a coherent post would be difficult. 

To be honest, I'm not sure I remember everything that's happened. Several 4 or 5 am finishes followed by 9am starts, the odd day off to hibernate, endless takeaway pizzas, whiskies, beers, fine wine and enough espresso to knock out the most stalwart Milanese. Then there's the gingerbread lattés bolstered with fine cognac, sushi, Thai curry, Bengali curry, Afghani curry, roast venison, fine cheese, gallons of port, the odd sherry, a criminally corked Burgundy and many, many late night drams of Laphroaig Quarter Cask. 

I've had moments of heroism, moments of cowardice and moments of apathy. Rage, glee and bewilderment set my heart racing, sinking and singing in turn. Sometimes my brain refused to stop, sometimes it refused to start. 

My shoulder's been cried on, and I've held back my own tears. 

I danced on tables, singing into a small umbrella. 

I drove 13 hours when it should only have been 8 and a half. 

I made it to London though, and here I am.

And now the tree sits naked, for there are no lights. You have to do the lights first. Without them it sits naked, boxes of decorations surround it, unopened and waiting. 

sunday musings

It's dark at four, am and pm. A mis-timed nap or too-late a night and you don't see the daylight. 

The whiteness of the Christmas lights is relative. Compared to the silver-lined brilliance of the stars they're madeirized, tarnished brass, but no less cheerful for it. They're warming, while the beauty and clearness of the stars chills. 

It's the right time of year for epiphanies, regardless of belief. The crisp cold of the air brings clarity, and not just of the starlight. As usual, it's the simple truths that come out - overlooked, ignored or denied until now. They're revelation brings comfort regardless of the mind and heart's turmoil. 

The clouds still linger, but the space between them expands, the starlight shines through and I see clearly, myself, writing. 


choices or decisions.

 It's either ruptured ligaments or torn cartilage. Or perhaps torn ligaments or ruptured cartilage? 

I'm not sure which. Even if I had a choice, which I don't, I don't know which I'd choose. Shot in the knee or smashed with a sledge hammer? 

Given such options I look to happier decisions. Short stories, novels or travel writing - the three highest stacks in my piles of the unwritten. 

Self-discipline has given way to misplaced self-pity. 

What a load of bollocks. 

I'll choose the former and flip a coin as to the ligaments and cartilage. 

cane and unable

My knee has not experienced the stratospheric miraculous recovery that I had hoped for. In fact, I am now using a cane. The cane isn't for my bad knee though, it's for my good knee. It's not liking the extra work and limping on both legs can't be good. So I've succumbed to the cane - I've not used one since blood poisoning nearly lead to the amputation of my right foot. 

That's another long, stupid story that I hesitate to commit to paper or web. 

The cane is bizarre - with time it can become like another appendage. I hope to be better before that, but in the meantime I hobble the street, counting my pace, trying to make sure it's doing its job. I look like Hugh Laurie's House in both infirmity and miserable demeanor, but in nothing else.

It could be worse, I know that. It could always be worse. 

It could have been both knees.

spidery ink

Webs of hair thin black lines creep from the letters. The ink I use is too heavy and the pages bleed, smudges abound and my hand cramps as the day's happenings come back. I sift through what matters and doesn't, what doesn't matter but amuses and what might matter later, when I think about it. Down it goes. The narrow roads, the hills, the water, the endless sheep, the horny does and hornier stags, the endlessly changing sky, the vast expanses, the towering mountains appearing from the clouds in silence. The teasing sun, occasionally shining a spotlight on some deserted stretch of nowhere, drawing our eyes towards yet more indescribable beauty. 

It's all there, in my swollen notebook - over a thousand miles of notes, snippets of tales, beginnings and endings. 

An adventure.